When we first realized Mom had a problem with remembering things, we knew that we had to address it and that it wouldn't be an easy thing to do. I guess we knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going to take it well and none of us wanted to do it alone. So, when my older sister and I were both visitng that spring, we talked to my Dad, who was still alive then and he thought it was a good idea that we talked to her--without him. It seems that all they did was argue at the time, because she was always forgetting things and he would get impatient with her so it came to be that when he mentioned her memory, it was an automatic 'sore spot' between them. He told us that if he said anything or was there, that she would automatically get defensive. So my two sisters and I told him we'd do it without him...and we let him off the hook.
The three of us sat her down and as I remember, our older sister did all the talking, at least at first. We did tell her how much we loved her and were concerned about her memory problems. We mentioned, very delicately if I remember, that maybe she had Alzheimer's...not mentioning dementia at all at the time. I think this was 2002. 5 years ago. At the time we all lived so far a way from her. My younger sister only lived about a mile down the road, though, and Mom saw a lot of her. And the two of them were always very close. You know how Mother's are with their youngest... Anyway, Mom seemed to take the talk very well and she even hugged us and assured us that she knew we were just worried about her and that we wanted to help her. At least that's what we thought.
I think it was later that same day when she was in the car with my younger sister, she let loose! She had a complete meltdown in the car with sis telling us later that Mom claimed that we all thought she was crazy and she was loosing her mind and just to shoot her now!! Put her away in an institution!! it was all very ugly and I felt bad for my sister being the only one with her at the time. (Although, that's why Mom did it). I don't think she wanted to have that kind of meltdown in front of all of us...because from the way my sister told it, we might really HAVE shot her...
And during that same visit (I was staying at Mom and Dad's) She locked herself in the bathroom and I stood outside the door and listened. She was in there crying and sobbing and saying awful things about us thinking she'd lost her mind, and that maybe she had and basically the same stuff she had let loose on my sister, only she was locked in the bathroom, alone. I'd finally had enough and made her open the door. And this was back before I knew anything at all about this disease. I had no coping skills at all. So I told her if she kept ranting like that that, yes, we really all WOULD think she'd lost her mind. Probably not the best thing to say at the time. But it did calm her down a bit.
We took her to a doctor and the first diagnosis was that it was probably not Alzheimer's. It was probably memory loss due to depression. She prescribed the Aricept along with zanex for the depression. But even the word 'depression' didn't set well with her so she wouldn't take the zanex.
Dad died a couple of months after this episode. It hit her pretty hard and I think she headed off in a downhill spiral the first year after he died. Soon after he died, we had her go to her family doc and get a physical. We wanted to get the smallest life insurance policy for her to cover her own funeral expenses when she died. This doctor performed the physical and a few weeks later she got a letter from the insurance company saying she was denied because he diagnosed her with Senile Dementia. OK--they weren't satisfied with only using the dreaded "D" word. Nope, they had to throw "Senile" in there, too, just in case we didn't understand demented. And to this day...5 years later, when she can't remember what she just said 10 seconds ago, if you mention that Doctor's name around her you will see the very definition of 'coniption fit'. And it ain't a pretty definition.
We got her a great Doctor after that. One who specializes in AD. She's on all the right meds, at least we think she is, and she's holding her own living here part of the year and in Florida with my brother the other part of the year. But, as with a lot of AD patients, the "D" word and the "A" word are kept out of her earshot. One thing I never do, though, is change the TV channel when the news shows a breakthrough in Alzheimer's research. Not only do I want to see it, but she'll watch it, too. She won't say anything, but she does get that look on her face that she gets when she's trying a little harder to concentrate.
Having said all of that, I'll now say this...We made the decision not to bring it up to her collectively. None of us wants to see her fit. And especially none of us who have her on a daily basis. And it scares her. And none of us want to scare her. I think she knows she has it and at one time she even told my Aunt she had it, but we let her deal with it in her own way and meanwhile we feed her the meds that keep her mind strong for now. And we love her. And about every day she thanks me for "keeping" her. That's how she says it. And I remind her that she "kept" me for 22 years, so it's the least I could do.
I have gotten the feeling, though, that some members of the extended family feel like we are not doing her any favors by not talking to her about it. And what I've found out about this disease is, everyone handles it differently. But I would be happy to drop her off with them for a week and let them talk to her all they want to about her condition. As long as they start the conversation on Monday and then when I pick her up on Sunday, they will have surely learned that her kids have made the right decision.
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